[first person] Essential Workers Look COVID-19 Confident, But There’s A Lot of Fear Behind That Mask
I began working as an essential worker in the middle of the pandemic. After searching for a job for months, it became apparent that career options for a recent college graduate were slim to none. The jobs I did find only paid in “experience and exposure,”or paid so little I could barely afford a phone bill let alone rent. If I wanted to support myself, I would have to ignore the dangers and work on the front line.
Fortunately, I was hired quickly and began working as a deli clerk at a local market near my home in Silver Lake. The dangers of the pandemic, while certainly on my mind, but did not worry me so much back then. At the time, headlines were reading “COVID cases at an all-time low,”and I was so focused on paying bills that all that mattered to me was the paycheck.
However, there was always anxiety that lingered. Thoughts like: “Am I getting too close to this person?” or “Is this a cough or should I get tested?” Any sneeze that happened or a customer barging in without a mask only heightened those anxieties. With all that in mind I hadn’t felt real danger until the third wave hit.
In December when restaurants closed again, the demand for deli sandwiches, either for pickup or delivery, increased. I spent hours slicing pounds of turkey, roast beef, and other meats and cheeses to meet demand or I’d make back-to-back sandwiches, while skipping breaks and taking late lunches. Every minute of the day, I looked over my shoulder to make sure my co-workers were healthy.
At the end of my shift, my arms would be sore from slicing meat and I would get home utterly exhausted worried for what the next day would bring. As I tuned into the news seeing cases getting higher, I began to fear that I would eventually fall victim and be one of those statistics.
And then the virus hit our store and it spread like wildfire.
When a co-worker contracted COVID, I only found out through the company grapevine. No emails or announcements were made and it becameobvious management was trying to keep this under wraps to keep us, and our customers, from panicking.
For a while it worked-it was only one employee after all. However, soon, one sick employee became six. When the eighth employee tested positive, a manager finally told me and only a handful of other employees the details of the situation.
Now I was terrified realizing my health was on the line. I had taken a COVID test earlier that week but was still waiting on the results. I thought it might be best to not report to work. But I hadn’t accumulated many sick hours and when you’re living from paycheck to paycheck you can’t afford to miss a day without pay.
Before I could decide, my results came back positive.
Fortunately, my symptoms were minor, never getting worse than slight congestion. The worst part, though, was spreading COVID-19 to my mother. She was only 43 and perfectly healthy but the virus hit her hard. She was in constant pain from body aches and could barely get out of bed. At one point she confided to me, she thought she was going to die.
I felt an unbearable amount of guilt for doing this to her. I had put my own mother’s life on the line by simply going to work. Thankfully she recovered and is in high spirits today but the thought of losing her has never left my mind.
I’ve been back at work for a few months now and while everything seems to be settling down, I am still scared: worried that I might catch COVID again and worried that I might spread it again.
At work, we have taken more precautions by not only wearing masks, but also face shields. We also now do regular temperature checks. But my fear lingers. I stay away from customers and my fellow workers as best I can.
And Ino longer worry about calling in sick if I feel something is off. As the pandemic drags on and the demand for our business increases, I realize being an essential worker means living in a state of perpetual fear for myself and those around me.
Giovanni Botticella is a recent graduate from Cal State University Northridge, where he received a degree in Journalism and a minor in Central American Studies. He resides in Silver Lake.
Originally published at https://www.losfelizledger.com on February 18, 2021.
